Jennifer (miss_hellfire) wrote,

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Pre-holiday preparation according to Vogue

12 weeks before: Start doing machine-based Pilates. What is machine-based Pilates? Can't tell, but the website makes it look expensive.
8 weeks before: Dry skin brushing. This actually doesn't cost much.
6 weeks before: Get all your body hair lasered off. On the price part of the website, it says "Choice of earlobes or fingers or upper lip: £55" (and you have to pay for six goes). Who the fuck is getting their earlobes lasered?!
4 weeks before: Get something called a "permanent blow dry" which costs two hundred quid. Also, spend another fifty quid on bum-firming cream.
3 weeks before: Start taking tanning pills. Yes, TANNING PILLS.
2 weeks before: Add the fake tan on top of your tanning pills.
5 days before: Get a £50 manicure and something called a Strength and Seal Ritual, which I swear is a spell I once did. Wasn't for shiny hair, either.
3 days before: Get a pedicure, which for some reason you must do two days after your manicure, and go on a three-day juice diet.
1 day before: Get a blow dry so you look nice on the plane. This thing is aimed at people who want to look dolled up on a PLANE.
Oh, and there's a spa at Heathrow, too.

This right here is why I only look at the pictures. The words are not written for me, or anyone I would willingly associate with.
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